When will these feelings subside?

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  • Updated 2 months ago
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Rose

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  • How? How am I suppose to pretend like it never happened? It would be so much easier - if he had just phycally cheated - then maybe I could actually compete or feel more justified in leaving. It would be easier - if he were a drug addict - because at

Posted 2 months ago

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Robert B, Official Rep

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Rose, 

I'm sorry to hear about your pain, our hearts go out to you. While I'm not a licensed counselor, I have had the privilege of helping many people and I'll shoot straight with you. Here are a few thoughts:

  • No one can tell you when the feelings will subside because everyone processes their pain in their own unique way.
  • You can't pretend that it never happened; doing so is unhealthy.
  • Be honest with yourself and with someone else.
  • Everyone hurts and recovers in different stages and timelines.
  • While people have similar stages (shock, anger, sadness, etc), the length of those stages will vary.
  • Some stages will come back around to visit your heart and mind, and sometimes the stage is more intense than it was the last time. Grief is weird that way.
  • Only you can decide how you will process each stage.
  • Most people process this stuff in a healthier way when they don't do it alone.

I don't know what kind of support system you have in place, but I'll encourage you to build one or lean on the one you have. Sadly, you're not the first lady to face this and you might be surprised by who else in your circle of connections has also had to deal with it.

If you're not ready to talk with a friend or a family member, there is value in speaking with a counselor or minister, or joining a support group. Getting help with processing your thoughts and emotions is a good thing.

This free ebook was written to ladies in your situation - https://www.covenanteyes.com/marriage-advice-my-husband-watches-porn/

This free ebook is simply four women who've been there - https://www.covenanteyes.com/hope-after-porn-how-their-marriages-were-saved/

Thank you for reaching out,

Robert
(Edited)
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Syd, Official Rep

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Dear Rose, 
    I'm so sorry to hear that your partner has hurt you by using porn. I know that when initially faced by this, a natural instinct can be to try and flee from the pain, both emotionally and physically. That being said, I wish I could say to forget the entire situation and to move past it blindly. But like most things in life, running away is not the answer.

    I'm not a counselor; I don't have any qualifications or degrees that can tell you how to live your life. I'm just a woman who works in Customer Service for Covenant Eyes. I wish I could say that your situation is rare, and that I don't come across it often. Sadly, I often speak with women on the phone right after they find out their partner has been viewing porn. I hear their pain, their sorrow, and their anger. I willingly listen to them, because the world doesn't. The world says "Porn isn't cheating, it's normal." 

   But the world doesn't have the right to normalize porn; you get to decide the boundaries in your relationship.  

   You get the choice to decide if porn is cheating, not everyone else. You get to set boundaries in your relationship. You get to decide where to go from here. Not sure where to start? Here are some steps to get you started:

1. Decide Your Stance on Pornography
Now the first step is often the hardest, but if you don't want your partner using porn because it hurts you & affects your relationship, then it's okay to own those feelings. So if you don't want porn to be an active participant in your relationship, then don't brush it under the rug of your bedroom. People and society might tell you to "just get over it" but allowing someone to hurt you, isn't okay.

2. Get Support for Yourself
This is heavy burden. It can be a scary and uncertain time for you. Find a friend, relative, or counselor to talk about this with. A third party can help you process your feelings, the next steps you'll take, and how you're going to approach your partner.

3. Talk to Your Partner & Set Boundaries
This part is especially trying because it requires real vulnerability. Plus, this is a scary and unsettling topic to bring up in a relationship. You both may feel uncomfortable, awkward, scared, or ashamed. But talking about how porn impacts you and your relationship is a crucial step in order for you both to move forward. You should also discuss how it makes you feel and why you're not okay with it. Most importantly, take this time to set boundaries. Setting boundaries with your partner will communicate to him how to respect and love you in the way you desire. Not sure what a boundary is? This article may help: "Boundaries for Couples Facing Porn Addiction."

4. Establish Accountability
Accountability comes in many shapes and forms. It differs largely from person to person. But the main goal of accountability is to hold someone accountable for his actions and behavior. For some women in your situation, accountability means having your partner use Covenant Eyes® on his devices. For others, using a counselor or beginning joint therapy helps them navigate how to establish accountability.

I know life can seem scary and uncertain right now. But your voice matters, and don't ever forget that.

Many blessings,

Syd
(Edited)