My wife found porn on my phone

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  • Updated 6 months ago
My wife came to me a said that she found porn on my phone. I admitted to it and now she is very much hurt by it. She feels like she can no longer trust me. How can I show her that I am willing to do what ever it takes to earn her trust again? We have been married for 4 years and we have a 3 year old daughter together. I love them both very much and feel ashamed for what I have done. I will do anything for her to trust me again. 
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David Fontaine

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Posted 2 years ago

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Mike

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It takes counseling and time. Don't let what you can't adjust keep you from moving forward with things you can work on. You can't change how your wife feels today. You can choose to start a journey to grow healthier. Find a great church or Christian counseling center and meet with someone. Just do it.
That said if she sees you making real effort it just may help build a bit of trust.
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David Fontaine

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It took a couple of days for us to start talking again but we are at that stage. She is a beautiful and forgiving woman...much better than I deserve. It will take a while for us to unpack all of this and get to the root of it. As of right now we are in the same bed; she knows that I love her and that I'll do whatever it takes to regain her trust.
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Sam Black, Employee

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Hi David, I can point you to some resources that will help you, your wife, and your relationship. Please, send me an email at sam.black@covenanteyes.com, and I will do my best to serve you.
Best regards,

Sam Black
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Thomas Mast

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Steve Etner at My Purity Coach and his hot line is a great option
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David Fontaine

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Thanks Guys!
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David Fontaine

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How did everyone make their spouse feel important, cherished, more than enough, wanted again?
I've always had a problem with this, even before being married
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Stewart McCallum

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LISTEN! It's one of the most important things you can do!
Become a student of your wife - find out ALL about her: what she likes, wants, needs, whatever ... take her flowers, bring her breakfast in bed, watch that sappy movie with her, and ENJOY it man!!! Relationships take investment in time, phone calls, money, and more time ... MAKE the time for it - you have everything to gain, and besides, it's your God given DUTY to "love your wife, even as Christ loves His church, and gave Himself for her".  You WILL grow closer, and your life (and her's) will be the richer, fuller and more blessed for it. PRAY for her too (that really shouldn't have been an after-thought - my bad!!!) 
1 Corinthians 13:4-8   Love is patient, love is kind ...
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Sam Black, Employee

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Here are a couple of resources that will help you and your wife feel cherished and appreciated.
https://loveandrespect.com/
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
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Steve Taitinger

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This is the hardest piece of advice I have to give. The more pain you see her experience the more your brain will be rewired to choose to protect her (obviously not the only factor). Porn says there is no pain caused but if you hold yourself to an extremely short accountability to her and others then you won't give yourself the opportunity to look at porn again. There is a 100 lines you cross before anytime you look at porn. I really struggled with where to draw the line on what to confess and what to just ask God for forgiveness for and "try harder". I realized/decided that I needed to confess every time I broke her trust. Set boundaries for yourself with your wife far enough away from porn that crossing them won't cause a huge break down in communication (more than a night of not talking). Then you need to be courageous enough to confess often (at least daily) and track the factors that cause you to be tempted. Prioritizing every 1 hour of your time in a given week will really show you quickly when you are starting to go off the rails. You have to pursue some goal more valuable to you than the emotional release of pornography to overcome the negative habits you have formed.

If you know anyone who is willing (even your wife) you can start doing basic inner healing exercises like asking Jesus to show you first memories where you felt x and what he was doing (Immanuel Healing), forgiving everyone for everything and asking forgiveness (Freedom Session) etc. No matter how good you get at practically fighting lust you will never fully overcome it without at least some inner healing (doesn't have to be formal but structured can be more thorough) Living by the Spirit throughout each day is key to overcoming things like this. There are many things you can do for your wife that are loving but that isn't the core issue here. Right now you need to earn her respect and trust back. You do that by making hard decisions like maybe getting rid of the internet (or your access to the internet) for a season, installing CE at work/on phone, forming key spiritual habits like waking up early to journal and read the Bible, going to Freedom Session etc. You need to get to know yourself better in ways that you may have been scared of or are not wanting to deal with.

In saying all that a great goal to go for would be 6 months to a year of prioritizing your marriage of course :). The keys to a good marriage seems to me to be (in order)
1 having an active and intimate relationship with God based on scripture
2 prioritizing the things your wife values
3 getting to know your wife more
4 having a financial plan that is flexible and that reflects both your priorities
5 anytime something sensitive comes up taking the time to fully listen to your wife and understand her without trying to give your opinion but still responding to what she is saying

If you can help her achieve hard goals that are important to her you will be working together and growing together and she will love you more. She will also feel more confident and need less superficial praise. If you like these thoughts feel free to follow my blog :)
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gen

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She will probably never feel good enough again. She will always feel inferior, ugly, like she's a disappointment and will never measure up. That's how I feel no matter how wonderful my husband is now. And she will never understand how you can be attracted to her (who is probably a very average looking woman) while you were looking at such perfect looking women.

Maybe there are other women here who can step in and be a ray of sunshine but I'm giving you my honest thoughts.
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Sam Black, Employee

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A helpful book on this page called Porn and Your Husband provides helpful insight and I encourage reading Hope After Porn, which offers that ray of sunshine. http://www.covenanteyes.com/e-books/