My husband is addicted to porn and I am numb.

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My husband has been addicted to porn for the past 7 years. We've fought off and on about it. He has lied about it and tried to hide it. We have two children and I'm pregnant with my third child. I've caught him pleasuring himself with it on Saturday. He finally admitted to doing this even after he promise to stop. I asked him a serious of questions and he told me they women were good actors. I died inside at that very moment. I told him I was leaving and he signed up for therapy immediately. He has been apologizing all day everyday. When I told him their is nothing sacredness between us anymore. He turned blue and told me that he will doing anything for our family to remain a family even if it takes the rest of his life to prove it. I don't believe or trust him at all. Now I'm stuck in this sucking place and I want a divorce. He is begging me to stay but I'm so hurt that Its effecting my daily routine. I work full time, I'm a doctorate student and just started summer classes. I can't stop crying and I'm just numb all over. I don't know what too do. He claimed it wasn't because of me but he was just honestly being selfish and have a true problem. I don't even want to be in the same home with him anymore. We are still sleeping in the same bed but I sleep under separate covers. I cant look him in the face, I don't even want too. He tries to talk just about things in general and I don't even want to talk to him at all. Although he is seeking help, the damage he has caused will forever be permanent in my heart. I'm lost and don't know what to do.
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Kita

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  • unbearable hurt. betrayal.

Posted 2 months ago

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Syd, Official Rep

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Dearest Kita, 

    I often say that pornography addiction is a virus infection of the heart. Once present, it instantly spreads, mutates, and overtakes the host. Its not like bacteria, which can be cured with a course of antibiotics or modern day medical advances. Instead, the pornography virus can only be cured by the one it has infected. The journey of healing often looks different from patient to patient. Some find therapy to be helpful. Others find support groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous a safe place to begin.

   What sometimes is overlooked, is the patient's spouse. Marriage is a lovely thing. One innate characteristic of marriage, is that it binds you to your partner. In this case, you are being indirectly impacted by the pornography virus your partner has become infected with. In a similar way, you too can choose to fight it. Such as seeking therapy for yourself to help process the trauma of your partner's actions. Or you can choose other paths. Which can be as simple as leaning on a friend or relative for support as you process your choices. Please know that there IS hope. Regardless what path you choose, trust yourself to choose the right one

   I commend you on your bravery, Kita. Even at this extremely difficult time, you are reaching out for help. That shows bravery, which will carry you far as you recover from sexual betrayal. Below is a rather extensive resource list for you and your spouse, most with brief descriptions. Recovery and healing is within reach for you and your partner. It is there, if you both choose it.

  Helpful websites/organizations with a focus on spousal recovery:

 

 

Helpful websites geared toward education on pornography addiction and recovery for the one who struggles with pornography:

 

  • Educational website on the chemistry behind pornography addiction. Very detailed and informative, but many would consider this a “trigger” website. Secular in nature. - http://yourbrainonporn.com
  • A secular organization founded on the idea that “porn kills love,” an activist group that has a large social media presence, and a program called fortify to help those struggling with pornography while in recovery.  - http://fightthenewdrug.org
  • A Catholic-based author and speaker with a large focus on fighting Internet temptations. - http://mattfradd.com
  • Considered one of the grandfathers of sexual addiction recovery, this website offers articles, books, finding a therapist who specializes in sexual addictions, as well as training for those who want to work in the industry of sexual addiction recovery. - http://drdougweiss.com
  • Finding a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) - https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search
  • Finding an AACC (Christian Counselor) - http://www.aacc.net
  • General pornography addiction education/information. - http://www.feedtherightwolf.org
  • A Christian ministry founded by a couple who survived sexual addiction. - http://newlife.com/emb/workshop/
  • Sex Addicts Anonymous. 12 step recovery group. - https://saa-recovery.org/
  • Sexaholics Anonymous. 12 step recovery group. - http://www.sa.org/

 

Noteworthy Books:

  • Worthy of Her Trust by Stephen Arterburn & Jason Martinkus
  • Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Barbara Steffens & Marsha Means
  • Life’s Healing Choices: Healing from Your Hurts, Hang-ups and Habits by John Baker
  • Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts
  • Don’t Call it Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes
  • Mending A Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes
  • Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes
  • Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts by Stefanie Carnes
  • What Can I DO About Me? By Rhyll Anne Croshaw
  • Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships by John Townsend
  • Partners: Healing From His Addiction by Doug Weiss
  • Healing The Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Laaser
  • Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict by Patrick Carnes

   
Blessings,

Syd