Hello I am new to this forum. Looking for a advice on triggers. Thank you

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  • Updated 12 months ago
Hello I am new to this forum. Does anyone have advice on how to deal with triggers. Although it has been many years since finding out about my husbands porn use among other stuff. I am having an extremely hard time dealing with his Instagram usage. He refuses to stop and my fear and anxiety is hard to manage most days. The girls are half our age and it all just feels horrible I feel like I’m not enough (young, pretty etc) I know in my heart of hears if he leaves me for a younger women that God deeply loves me and will walk me through it. The emotion pain is intense even more so that he calls me crazy for getting jealous insecure and upset about girls he follows and allows to follow him. Any advice would be most appreciated. Many blessings. Feel like giving up on my 29 year marriage .
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Aimee Steinkamp Miramontes

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Posted 12 months ago

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Oh Aimee I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. From my limited perspective, I wonder if counseling is an option? The pain and hurt that you are feeling is completely valid, and I know that it is extra painful when that hurt is dismissed. 
There is also a facebook group called Integrity Restored that is specifically for spouses of addicts suffering from betrayal trauma. I have heard great things about them, and I think they could give much more helpful advice than I can. https://www.facebook.com/groups/1420636114635939/
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Hi Aimee. Is your husband a Covenant Eyes user? If yes, then he should have an accountability partner, normally another man. Usually not a good idea to have an accountability partner who is your spouse and no one else. Bring this up to your husband's accountability partner. Talk to a marriage and family counselor at your local church. If they don't have one, ask your pastor for a recommendation. Hope this helps.
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Syd, Official Rep

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 Dearest Aimee,
          What is born in darkness, must be destroyed by light. Pornography addiction is a consuming, engulfing disease that can corrupt the strongest of souls. It strengthens itself by secrecy, obsession, and isolation.What further feeds pornography addiction is lack of transparency, communication, and support. Addiction is like a weed. You cannot cut a weed off at the stem and expect it to die. It must be dug down to its roots, and plucked out. Often times, partners of those who struggle with pornography addiction are left feeling anxious, voiceless, and alone. These partners try to cut this weed off at the stem. Here are some steps to assist you in plucking it out:

1. Transparency: Why does Covenant Eyes exist?

     Transparency is a big request to make of anyone, let alone someone who struggles with an addiction. Accountability can help you and your spouse. Covenant Eyes was built for people like you and your husband. We strive to help you both start the conversation. Our software, once installed, provides you with a blueprint to help begin the conversation about internet activity. Software like Covenant Eyes is not as a punishment, or a means for control. It's designed to help instigate conversation, and be a catalyst for communication. 


2. Communication: We cannot control other people, but we can set boundaries to help protect ourselves.

     Boundaries help people have healthy relationships. We all need and desire different things from the people we love. Boundaries help the people in your life love you and navigate your  relationship. Think of boundaries like a road-map; you're giving someone instructions for how to treat, respect, and honor you. Boundaries should be put in place by both parties in the relationship. Sometimes, they are initially challenging to make. For this reason, some people enlist another person to help mediate boundaries. 


3.  Support: An army of many, is better than an army of one.
Pornography addiction cannot be defeated alone. Nor is the person closest to the struggler, regardless how much love is between them, fully equipped to help the struggler. This is why consulting an unbiased, third party can help. Some people find pastors, counselors, or friends to help them along the journey toward healing. The struggler needs help recovering from sexual addiction. The partner of the struggler needs help healing from sexual betrayal. Both parties need guidance setting healthy boundaries and communicating. 


These three steps can help bring you both healing. There is hope.