Betrayed by husband: what do I do now?

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  • Updated 2 years ago
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Found Husband of 18 years using porn
I found 5 porn movies on our firestick "recent movies." I had no idea. We have kids 11 and 12. We had just finished family movie night and the kids were asleep on the couch. Shock! I quickly sent them to bed.
I confronted him and he didn't deny he watched them. He said this has happened on 3 occasions. I was calm in the moment, gave forgiveness when he asked, and told him I would stick with him. The past 2 days have been awful! As reality hit, I feel so betrayed, and I don't trust him. I also feel physically sick and mildly panicked. My 2 kids know something is wrong and I feel trapped... Literally having trouble breathing. In addition the ramifications for my 12 yo son in the house, what if he had discovered dad's porn? Oh my gosh!! We just gave the purity talks! My mind is spinning.
I am telling myself this is not about me! If only I were thinner, not struggling w chronic illness, etc. I know those are lies, but it still feels so personal. I don't know how to go about healing myself from this bombshell.
I asked him what he is willing to Do to get help. He has a long history of intimacy trouble--meaning can't show affection or share feelings. Porn seems to be the latest "drug" , taking the place of long anger addiction. I am so exhausted from emotional abuse and told him tonight I really need him to get Help and figure out his Undealt with pain and issues causing these destructive behaviors. He is very successful in his field and seems to "have it all together". The duplicity is killing me. He is a Christian. We prayed tonight together. It's a start but I can't do this for him. We need good resources.
I gave him the intimacy anorexia workbook which I got 3 yrs ago for him!
I love my husband and want to see him healed.
What resources are there for wives? How long will I feel sick? It's 2:30am and I can't sleep while he is blissfully sawing logs. Newly betrayed in Alabama.
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momdoc

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  • angry, betrayed, nauseated

Posted 3 years ago

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Brian

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I would encourage you to lift your husband in prayer. As a husband of 27 years it is assuring to know my wife prays for me. This is no quick fix and depending on the background situation can take time to "unpack" for God's revelation to happen. If your husband does not have a group of men for accountability, I recommend him checking out www.nomatterthecost.org . It is a ministry site for men (not wives respectively) to engage in and have opportunity to hear other's stories with their life challenges (failures and successes). It is important for men to have a guy to talk with and learn to be real about "stuff" in their lives. There are many devotions with Covenant Eyes that are great and both my wife and I use CE for all our media devices for accountability. I'll be lifting your family in prayer today, know it's more a spiritual battle. Ephesians 6 and Romans 6 need to become active prayers for you guys. Be blessed!
Brian
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Samantha, Alum

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Hi Momdoc,
    Thanks for the post. First, I want you to know that you are in no way alone in your feelings of hurt and betrayal. With the desensitization of sexual material in our society, pornography has become as easy to access as your Facebook page, and it is affecting an alarming number of families in some way every day.  That is why Covenant Eyes is striving to change culture.
      As you and your husband start the road to recovery, we have many tools to help.  Our blog (http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/) features articles on topics such as Defeating Lust and Pornography and Rebuilding Your Marriage after the betrayal of pornography.  We also offer free Ebooks, downloadable at http://www.covenanteyes.com/e-books/ , which tackle many of the hard issues behind pornography addiction.  We have a special section dedicated to the couples battling pornography, which can be found at http://www.covenanteyes.com/e-books/#couples.
      The battle against pornography is one of the heart: everyone engaged against pornography has to desire sexual purity and Internet Integrity.  When someone is ready to stop giving in to Internet temptation, Covenant Eyes is a wonderful tool to aid them.  We provide Accountability services, which logs Internet activity on phones, tablets, and computers, and send a report of that activity to what we refer to as an Accountability Partner. This creates total transparency online, and opens the doors for honest, truthful communication.  If your husband is ready for the journey, Accountability services, through the knowledge that someone will receive a report of his Internet activity, will help instill safe, healthy Internet habits, and it will be beneficial for your young children as well.  Our customer support staff is available Monday - Friday 8AM-12AM EST and 10AM-6PM EST on Saturdays. 

Please call us if you need any assistance!

Samantha
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momdoc

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Thank you for the resources --I will check them
Out... It's good to have a place to get started! Will investigate the internet services
Blessings, jenny
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momdoc

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Thank you for taking time to write and for your prayers...

Definitely will add Romans 6 to my prayers...thank you for the insights. Been praying Ephesians 6 already.

I do pray that God will use this opportunity to break down barriers and draw us closer together eventually.

I pray for peace and rest so I can function and cafe for kids. Thank you also for the website--

Blessings to your family
(Edited)
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Amy Kate, Alum

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Jenny,

My heart hurts for you. (((hugs)) First of all, know what you are feeling is normal. Please make sure that you are taking care of YOU, those kiddos need you. Eat, even if only a little and even if you don't want to, make sure you are getting enough rest, drinking water and be gentle with yourself. 

I would really encourage you to seek out support for yourself in this. Finding a good counselor who IS TRAINED in sexual addictions is a huge piece of your recovery puzzle. 

https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search

https://aasat.org/find-a-therapist/

http://www.aacc.net/

It is defiantly scary when you think how this could affect your children. Protecting your children from pornography and educating them on how to use the internet safely is a daunting task but one that is so needed these days. The new ebook for parents is a great place to start. 

http://www.covenanteyes.com/parenting-the-internet-generation/


Here is a list of a few of my favorite resources for wives, other than the Covenant Eyes blog and ebooks:

https://bloomforwomen.com

http://www.togethernessproject.org/

http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/

http://rhyllrecovery.com/


Some of my favorite books:

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Barbara Steffens & Marsha Means

Partners: Healing From His Addiction by Doug Weiss

Healing The Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Laaser

Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict by Patrick Carnes

What Can I DO About Me? By Rhyll Anne Croshaw

Mending A Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes

Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts by Stefanie Carnes


 It does get better, I promise!

Amy



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momdoc

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Thank you so much Amy for the advice in books and resources for spouses. I am reading married and alone by Doug Weiss and have a phone consult w one of the counselors in Weiss's office today. I am trying to put personal health up front--it's hard to sleep but taking it one day at a time.
Thank you for the encouragement that it does get better.
I am having to be very firm about insisting my husband gets help--and back off to let him take ownership of calling a counselor, getting accountability.
I am taking these steps for myself.
The sweet kids of course know something is wrong--
Please pray for wisdom in knowing how to be a Godly example to them in this situation.
Thank you for the encouragement ...
Every day is a challenge right now.
Really appreciate the encouragement to be gracious with myself.
Blessings, jenny
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worshipfulheart

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Doug Weiss is an excellent resource on pulling out of this addiction. I wanted to add a couple of points since I can speak as someone who was addicted to pornography and my wife is actively recovering from those hurts. We are both very happy and we've never been healthier spiritually.

1) It's imperitave that he goes to an accountability group. He probably thinks he can do it alone and this is a huge lie from Satan.

2) It's very important that you go to a support group. This has helped my wife tremendously. Her group is going through one of Doug Weiss' books now. You will also need support to navigate through your emotions and fears. It will also help you understand your husband's addiction.

3) If your husband actively starts to pull out of the addiciton both of you can expect to experience spiritual attack. Satan does not want him to realize the truth.

4) We ALL sin and we all have our own form of addictive tendencies and behaviors. Don't underestimate the power of porn. I don't know your husband, but I'm sure he is a good man who has been sucked in to something he did not realize would be so powerful and it probably started long before he knew you. Grace leads us to repentance and growth, but make no mistake God will continue to increase the consequences for him if he does not repent. If he turns towards true repentance then God will show grace and restore what has been taken. This to me is incredibly hopeful.

5) Pray and stay in the Word. This should be number 1, but I don't want to renumber everything. This is important for him as well.
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momdoc

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Thank you worshipful heart. Appreciate timing of your note.
You are correct that the addiction started before we met-it has been hidden from me for 23 yrs of dating and marriage--I learned in disclosure ...

Husband is 100 days in recovery--we are both in individual recovery/support groups,
He is in another accountability group and went to
An intensive. He does weekly counseling through Doug Weiss' office and I with CSAT counselor.
....****the spiritual warfare attack on our family has kicked in lately and this week especially rough.
I realized this was going on and your affirming that this warfare is "expected" gives me hope to persevere.
My 13 yr old son figured out what dad has been doing and he is Very depressed. heartbreaking. Dad gave him a limited disclosure.

The relational aspect of building intimacy --real communication -- in our marriage is a real struggle...
I do pray and hope God will help us bring about restoration in time...your testimony encourages me. I feel so much loss at present.
We are primarily working on our individual recoveries.
Do you recommend any specific book or devotional that may give us a common link during these early days of recovery? Trust and vulnerability are low right now.
Wounds still very raw for me.

I hope to one day also be very happy in my marriage and healthy spiritually. It feels like a long journey right now.
Thank you so much for taking time to reply.
Momdoc
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Amy Kate, Alum

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Congrats to your husband on 100 days, that is no small feat. 

I am one of Doug Weiss' biggest fans so you are in good hands there.

As painful as this time is, you sound like you are headed in the right direction. It really is best for both of you if he takes ownership of his own recovery, those are some hard but knowledge filled decisions. Working individual recoveries first is also a wise choice, everything is just so raw still this early on. You really sound like you have a handle on how to do this! 

As for your son, it surely hurts but your son is not immune to the dangers of internet temptations. Bringing this subject into the light with him, while painful and embarrassing, could be the key to keeping him from making the same mistakes. 

Praying for a peace that surpasses all understanding!
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Hurt Again

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Congratulations on 100 days! It makes me happy to see the commitment some have for each other. This is my 4th time going through this. You'd think by now it would hurt less. I'm married 16 years
He refuses to seek any kind of therapy, and it feels like his attempt at quitting is only because of pied and because he got caught AGAIN
He's still lying, he refuses to admit to the sexting with other women, even though I saw it on his phone. He denies participating in a website that lets you look up local hotties, Now that things are deleted they never happened? I was smarter this time and took photos of his online adventures
I think because we've been through this before he's become more covert and I've become synical about his " attempt" at quitting. It feels like he's only saying what I want to hear.
Initially he said "I've always looked at porn". Like I should say: Oh I didn't know, ok then carry on!
Honestly I don't know what's worse my hurt or my fury! I've been through the denials, the deflection and the blame. That was a new one, I got blamed for what? Not dressing and acting like one of his porn stars?
There was a time when I thought why not? I found myself losing my own identity, then lost my self respect and diminish my self esteem yep, I had to question myself. Was I now giving in and giving permission? Bad idea, I'll own that.
Through months of soul searching I found myself again, and gave one last ultimatum. I don't give this ultimatum lightly, my boundaries are set and plan B is in the works.
I guess my point in posting this is first to vent to those in my shoes, and second to give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves, after all what message do we send by going through this over and over? Some want to be fixed some don't.
I'm grateful for forums like this, its crucial for those seeking answers!
Thanks for letting me vent